Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Should Pokémon Actually Exist? Get Real!

Far too often, my friends and I get into a conversation about what it would be like if Pokémon actually exist. Sure, you might think that would be the coolest thing ever. You get to fly your Pidgeot to school, make your Scyther mow the lawn, and have your Charmander roast marshmallows in the middle of July. But trust me, it's better that Pokémon stay in your DS.  

1. It's like training a pet, except your house can catch on fire.
You've probably heard the old "a pet's a big responsibility" lecture from your parents one time or another.   You have to train it to not bite the mailman, not bark at strangers, and not treat the living room floor like a toilet. Training a normal animal is tough enough, but imagine if your puppy was a Growlithe. Instead of biting the mailman, it'd roast the unfortunate postage worker with Ember! It's Roar would easily intimidate any bystander that crossed it. And if it could expel high amounts of heat from its mouth...I shudder to think what would come out of its rear end.  

So maybe you're not a dog person. Meowth? You better hide your wallet. Pikachu? Stray Thundershocks will short circuit your light bulbs. Ekans? Better have that antidote ready. Jigglypuff? Don't let it near markers. Pokémon make terrible pets.
This is why you can't have nice things!

2. 10-year-olds can summon titans, gods and great beings of destruction.
10-year-olds aren't old enough to drink, join the military or even get a part-time job. But they can go out in the wild and catch Pokémon? It's a severe lack of judgement, especially since 10-year-olds aren't the most mature humans.

Imagine shopping at the grocery store with your kid when he spots candy at the checkout line. Normally, you'd say no and he'd throw a temper tantrum, crying and rolling all over the floor. But now with Pokémon, he can send out his Reshiram and use Fusion Flare on you. Temper tantrums have reached a whole new level.

3.You'll be out some serious cash.
Playing Pokémon in-game for many years gives trainers the illusion that they're the very best like no one ever was. Half the time you're fighting Youngsters with Zubats and Rattatas! The Pokémon games rarely present a challenge, so it's easy to see why you think you're the best when you become champion.

But that's the thing, you're not. It's a harsh reality, but you can't win every battle. That's not necessarily a problem until you realize how Pokémon battles work.

Whenever two trainers meet eyes, they must battle each other. No exceptions. You can't run away from the
fight or say that you left your good Pokémon back in the PC, doesn't matter. You have to battle with what you got. The worst part is, the loser has to pay the winner.
Hand over your money, noob!
Let's say there's a pretty tough trainer with a level 100 Gyarados who just chills at the corner. Usually, you can avoid him by sneaking past him, but today you're running late for class. You mindlessly walk in front of him, your eyes meet, and uh oh! Looks like you have yourself a battle. You try to reason with him that you're late for class, but it doesn't matter. No running away from a trainer battle, no exception. So you send out your Geodude, watch it get pulverized by Mewtwo, and shell out some cash. Now you're not only late for class, you got no money for lunch. Great.

4. I wouldn't eat that ice cream...
Most Pokémon are based on animals and other living organisms. But if you're not used to walking candles and cotton candy, some of these creatures can catch you by surprise.

It's a Saturday night and you invite a couple of your friends over for a sleepover. You get a case of the midnight munchies and go to the fridge for a quick snack. Nice, there's a box of Casteliacones! You bring it upstairs and everyone enjoys their frozen treats. girl starts screaming. Blood is dripping down her mouth. That was no ice cream cone...she bit into a Vanillite!

Rule of thumb: if it says its name, don't eat it!
The horror doesn't stop there. You best not pick up any Pokéballs from the floor; Voltorb could use Explosion and blow off your arm! That purple balloon...yeah that's a Drifloon. It'll take children away if they tug at its strings. Late for an appointment? Don't rush out the door with Klefki instead of your keys. You wouldn't want to jam a fairy into your car's ignition. You get the idea; you better think twice before picking up a seemingly everyday object. The way Pokémon is going, I wouldn't be surprised if I ran into floating pencils that shot out Pin Missiles.

5. Having a non-Pokémon job in a Pokémon world
Despite the many problems Pokémon would bring, it would still be pretty cool if Pokémon existed. You get to travel across the land, searching far and wide to train these fantastic creatures. But being a Pokémon Trainer isn't the only job. You could study the mysteries behind evolution and become a Pokémon Professor (just don't forget anyone's gender). Or maybe you see yourself as a mentor for up-and-coming trainers as the local Gym Leader. If the life of a law-abiding citizen bores you, you can even join up with Team Rocket or Team Flare and lead a life of thievery and misdeeds. But what if you had a job that has nothing to do with
Team Rocket is now hiring! *Must bring your own Zubats

You're an accountant for a faceless corporation. Day in and out, you're punching numbers as your higher-ups continue to berate you. Life's a drag. And yet, right outside your window, 10-year-olds are living it up. You watch in awe as one kid orders his Charizard to use Flamethrower. Charizard swoops down and lets out a stream of flames, only for the opposing Blastoise to swiftly dodge and retaliate with a well-aimed Hydro Pump. Charizard comes tumbling down and your heart stops. You press your face against the window as Charizard struggles to get up. Will he make it? Just then, the blinds fall down and your boss glares right at you. A stack of papers falls on your desk and you're back to work. In a world where people can train Pokémon, you're stuck in an office building unable to break the monotony of the 9-5 workday. What a life.

If only you arrived at  Professor Oak's lab a little earlier...

Even after all this, you probably still think it's a cool idea to have Pokémon in real life. Who could blame you? There are endless possibilities in a world of electric rodents and fiery chickens. But with great power comes great responsibility, and an even greater headache. Sure, it might seem cool if Pokémon existed, but I for one am glad they just stay in the games.
Imagine dealing with this guy's calls in REAL LIFE!